


Of Catlike Angels and Grooming

by HolyQuiznak01



Series: Ineffable Husbands: Compiled [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale is a cat, Inspired By Tumblr, M/M, Messy Angel Wings, Pre-Slash, Wing Grooming, You can't change my mind, and Neat Demon Wings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-13 20:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19258405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolyQuiznak01/pseuds/HolyQuiznak01
Summary: Aziraphale is an angel. Therefore, he doesn't fuss over his wings much. In fact, he doesn't even particularly enjoy grooming them. Enter Crowley, his long-suffering friend, who greatly appreciates clean wings. Aziraphale is Not Happy™.Alternatively:Aziraphale is a lot like a cat. He hisses and scratches - and not in a sexual way.





	Of Catlike Angels and Grooming

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off a headcanon by gayisgoth (https://gayisgoth.tumblr.com/)
> 
> 'The book says demon wings are more well-groomed than angel wings
> 
> And I think all the posts about tender wing grooming between Crowley and Aziraphale are cute and all but have you considered
> 
> Crowley having to chase a very unhappy and skittish Aziraphale around the bookstore like a cat knowing it has to take a bath and resisting nonetheless'

Angels, as a rule, were not meant to be hedonistic. Therefore, the wings in Heaven would not be winning any prizes, unless it were in the ‘having the messiest wings in the galaxy’ category. Demons, on the other hand, did not seem to care about personal hygiene but for some reason, preferred having sleek wings. It was a weird fancy to indulge in.

Aziraphale didn’t care to groom his wings much. Really, what was the point of wing grooming anyways?  _Crowley_  seemed to treat not grooming his wings as if it were a sin, but he never really cared for it. But it wasn’t as if he didn’t like it. Truly.

That was until the 19th century. 1 It was also raining. Aziraphale had just recently opened his bookshop and he wasn’t used to the constant stream of customers. So of course, the first time the mafia tried to buy it from him, he resisted very strongly. 

That was not a good idea.

The mafia came back for him. They brought a group of about forty members 2 and shoved him into a car after drugging him. 4

Of course, this meant his wings were flickering between corporeal and non-corporeal. They were large wings. There were large trees. There were small bugs. 

Needless to say, Aziraphale no longer liked grooming. In fact, by the end of that day, he quite detested it. 6    

 

> 1 More specifically, 1803.
> 
> 2 It was never a good idea to miracle away too many people at once. 3
> 
> 3 Never ask about what happened during the  _14 th _century.
> 
> 4 The only reason the story continues is because they were Very Strong Drugs. Aziraphale did not like Very Strong Drugs. Also, his corporation was malfunctioning a bit. Heaven did not issue alchohol-and-drug-resistant bodies. 5
> 
> 5 Angels didn’t drink much. And drugs  tended to bring Strongly-Worded-Notes.
> 
> 6 He had had to miracle away  _so many bugs_.
> 
>  
> 
> * * *

**_Two centuries later:_ **

“When was the last time you groomed your wings?” Crowley slurred, stretching out his wings behind him. 1

“I’m not all that sure, my dear. It may have been a few decades ago.” 2 The angel glanced to the side.

The demon scoffed. “Dun lie t'me, angel. I _know_ _your tells_.”

Aziraphale just sloshed his drink around. 3 “I’m really not all that sure. When was the last time  _you’d_ groomed  _yours_?” He deflected. Poorly.

“Mmm, maybe last week?” The demon thought back. “Speaking of, I ssshould probably groom my wings again ssoon.”

“Mmphk.” The angel groaned and stretched back. 4 

 

> 1 They were drinking in the back of the bookshop, after a long,  _rainy_ , day out. Aziraphale was already feeling a bit squeamish.
> 
> 2 This was a lie. The last time he’d groomed his wings was that fateful day in 1803.
> 
> 3 He was intelligent enough to know Crowley would be quite indignant to learn the truth.
> 
> 4 He was having a bit of back pain again. 5
> 
> 5 It was due to the ungroomed wings. Of course, he had no way of knowing that. Poor Aziraphale had been having back pain since the 20th century.
> 
>  

“Angel. I am not kidding,  _groom your go-sa-damn wings_.” 

Aziraphale hissed in retaliation.

“Hey! Hissing’s  _my_ thing!” The demon protested sharply. “Could you at least take your wings out so that I can take a look at them?”

As soon as Crowley took a step closer to his friend, Aziraphale jumped to the side. 1

Crowley continued to try and sneak up on Aziraphale, but the angel was able to outmanoeuvre 2 him every time. 

“If they’re fine, I’ll let you go a _decade_ without bringing this up again.” He tried, desperate.

Aziraphale continued to jump around. 3

“Two decades!”

No response. Crowley internally sighed. Since when had his friend become so much like a bloody  _cat_?

“ _Three_!” 4

“I won’t do anything to your wings for a _century_ if you don’t like having your wings groomed this time!” 

Aziraphale paused for a second, seeming to think it through. Crowley would have waited for his decision, but really, he’d had enough. The second the angel slowed down, he pounced and wrestled him down. This meant that Aziraphale was now struggling like a cat trying to get out of a bath.

“My dear, couldn’t we just talk this over?” Aziraphale turned to Crowley and gave him his best puppy dog look.

“Ngk.” Crowley, wisely, looked away.

He switched tactics. “I’m sure you wouldn’t want to get your nicely fitted suit ruined, would you?”

“The last time I checked,  _I_  was the tempter and  _you_  were the thwarter.” The demon smirked.

“-well.” Aziraphale stuttered. “This is  _different_.”

“Mhm.”

“Really, my dear, this is most unbecoming of you.” The angel continued to futilely push at Crowley’s arms. 5

The demon tried to keep the squirming angel within his grasp while gently coaxing out his wings.

“Look, could we  _please_ come back to this at a  _later date_?” Aziraphale pleaded. 

Crowley was wise and didn’t listen to his angel. 6

“Look, if we get thisss done with, you will feel  _much_  better. And your wingss will look niccce too.” 7

“It doesn’t  _matter_  what they look like, because nobody will look at them.” 

At this moment, an idea struck Aziraphale. 9

He bit Crowley.

“Ouch!” Crowley yelped, releasing his grip on Aziraphale long enough for Aziraphale to wiggle out.

The angel sat up and dusted his clothes off. “That wasn’t that hard now, was it?

Crowley, however, didn’t relent and finally managed to pull Aziraphale’s wings into the physical realm.

“Angel!” He yelped, adopting a mildly horrified expression. “What have you  _done_ to your  _wings_?”

“ _Nothing!_ ” 10 Aziraphale protested. “I don’t go out that much, there’s no need for me to pull my wings out.”

“Have you not stretched them for the past  _millennia_?” Crowley continued to blink in a very snake-like manner.

Aziraphale had, in fact, avoided pulling his wings out in fear of bumping into something for as long as he’d lived in London. 

 

> 1 At a speed faster than one would expect from him.
> 
> 2 For once.
> 
> 3 While avoiding his books and miracling them in place.
> 
> 4 And here, the reader may be wondering about Crowley’s insistence. The reality is that he cannot deal with anything else. The fashion sense, he barely tolerated. The wings? _That_ , he cannot tolerate.
> 
> 5 Crowley is also an idiot, who has forgotten that he can  _shift into a snake_ , which would be much more effective in this case.
> 
> 6 In his defense, Aziraphale really did mean to forget about the situation.
> 
> 7 Crowley was stressed. 8 And when Crowley was stressed, he hissed.
> 
> 8 You try having your crush for 6 millenia in your arms without melting into a puddle. Isn’t that easy, is it?
> 
> 9 Not really struck as much as him letting go of his dignity.
> 
> 10 Quite literally nothing, in fact.
> 
>  

“Why do we even need to do this? Couldn’t I just flap them and get rid of all the debris?” Aziraphale craned his neck as Crowley miracled1 a wing comb into his hand. 2

“See, even you admit there are all kinds of debris stuck in your wings.” Crowley continued to miracle the rest of the supplies. 3 “Besides, you know wings aren’t that easy to clean.”

“I do?” Aziraphale, who had last groomed his wings when human populations weren’t quite so dense, in fact, did  _not_  know. 4

“Look, all types of air pollution gets stuck in wings, even when they aren’t physically there.” Crowley stopped with his explanation as he started to brush Aziraphale’s wings.

Aziraphale also stopped any discussion and decided to enjoy the sensation. Who knew being groomed actually felt nice? 5

The angel and demon sat there in calm silence. Some soft piano music swelled in the background.    

 

> 1 Or whatever the demon equivalent of a miracle was.
> 
> 2 Wings were not something that could be miracled into perfection. In hindsight, this might be why angels had such messy wings.
> 
> 3 A tub with water and wing-friendly soap, a towel, chocolates, a book and so forth.
> 
> 4 The one time in 1803 did not count. His wings had been partially in the physical plane then.
> 
> 5 Everyone did, really. Aziraphale was just really bad at grooming his wings. But also, it was much more pleasant when someone else groomed your wings for you. In fact, it was sort of like brushing your hair.
> 
>  

“Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“No, I suppose not.” Aziraphale relented.

Crowley got up to leave and had lifted his hand to snap the materials away when Aziraphale grabbed his wrist. “Here, why don’t I groom your wings for you as repayment? After all, I do owe you one.”

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt.” Crowley sat back down, stretching out his wings into the physical plane. His relatively neat and orderly wings. Much neater compared to Aziraphale’s.

Aziraphale smiled at Crowley and ran his fingers through the wings. Crowley leaned back, closing his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> It didn't really turn out exactly as I wanted to, but I hope you enjoy it none the less.
> 
> (I got into a writing mood and couldn't stop. Even with upcoming exams. This is why I'm not getting good grades.)


End file.
